i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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