If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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