Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
