My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
