just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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