For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
