yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
