i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
