I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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