when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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