that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
