You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
