I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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