yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
