While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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