you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
