I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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