i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
