Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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