If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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