I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
