i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize