Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
