i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize