dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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