Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
