I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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