Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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