god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
