Soap is not a condiment
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
