Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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