You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
