I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm like, not good at living.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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