I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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