Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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