Need sex. Gaining weight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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