then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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