I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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