A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it's like iHOP with fire
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize