Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
