fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
