Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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