Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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