Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
