get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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