i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
