Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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