She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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