I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize