I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize