I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
