Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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