Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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