he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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