I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
