I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
