I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
