So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize