so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
