I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
