giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
