Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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