you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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