I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
