I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
