Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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