When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
